British Culture

Let’s take a candid and totally prejudiced look at the British people, tongue firmly in cheek, and hope they forgive my flippancy or that they don’t read this bit

The typical Briton is introspective, patriotic, insular, xenophobic, brave, small-minded, polite, insecure, arrogant, a compulsive gambler, humorous, reserved, conservative, reticent, hypocritical, a racist, boring, a royalist, condescending, depressed, a keen gardener, semi-literate, hard-working, unambitious, ironic, passionless, cosmopolitan, a whinger, hard-headed, liberal, a traditionalist, a couch potato, obsequious, a masochist, complacent, homely, pragmatic, cynical, decent, melancholic, unhealthy, a poor cook, pompous, eccentric, inebriated, proud, self-deprecating, tolerant, inhibited, a shopaholic, conceited, courageous, idiosyncratic, mean (a bad tipper), courteous, jingoistic, stuffy, overweight, well-mannered, pessimistic, disciplined, a habitual queuer, stoic, modest, gloomy, shy, serious, apathetic, honest, wimpish, fair, snobbish, friendly, quaint, decadent, civilised, dogmatic, scruffy, prejudiced, class conscious and a soccer hooligan.

If the above list contains a few contradictions, it’s because there’s no such thing as a typical Briton and very few people conform to the standard British stereotype (whatever that is). Apart from the multifarious differences in character between the people from different parts of England (particularly between those from the north and south), the population of the UK encompasses a disparate mixture of Scots, Welsh, Irish and assorted ethnic groups originating from throughout the British Commonwealth, other EU countries (including hundreds of thousands from new member countries in recent years), plus miscellaneous foreigners from all corners of the globe who have chosen to make the UK their home (London is the most ethnically diverse city in the world).

Class Systems

One of the things which initially confuses foreigners living in the UK is its class system, which is a curious British affectation. Entry to the upper class echelons is rooted in birthright and ill-bred upstarts with pots of ‘new’ money (particularly foreigners with unpronounceable names), find they’re unable to buy entry to the most exclusive clubs and homes of England (even when they’re seriously rich). Many Britons are obsessed with class and for some, maintaining or improving their position on the social ladder is a full-time occupation (the ultimate aim being to acquire a knighthood or peerage). The rest of us pretend we’re a ‘better’ class than we actually are, with the exception of a few politicians who are busy trying to live down their privileged past in order to court popularity with the underprivileged masses.

At the top of the heap there’s the upper class (the ‘blue-bloods’ or aristocracy), crowned by the British royal family, followed at a respectable distance by the middle class (which is subdivided into upper middle class, middle middle class, and lower middle class), the working class or lower class, and two relatively new categories that are the inevitable legacy of the unbridled market economy of the last two decades: the underclass and the beggar class. In the UK, people were traditionally officially classified according to their occupations under classes A to E. However, owing to the burgeoning of the middle class in the last few decades (we are all middle class now), the government has introduced no fewer than 17 new classes (including a meritocratic super class of top professionals and managers earning zillions a year). Class is, of course, wholly unimportant in the UK, provided you attended public school, speak with the right accent and have pots of inherited money.

The UK has been uncharitably described (with a hint of truth) as a society based on privilege, inherited wealth and contacts. Class is also what divides the bosses from the workers in the UK and the class struggle is at the root of many industrial disputes. It has certainly re-ignited over the past couple of years. A blue-collar (manual) worker must never accept a position that elevates him to the ranks of the lower middle class (a white-collar job), otherwise his workmates will no longer speak to him and he will be banned from the local working men’s club. (As a consolation he may be accepted as a member at the Conservative club). Similarly, middle-class management must never concede an inch to the workers and, most importantly, must never have direct discussions with them about anything, particularly pay rises or a reduction in working hours.

British Food

One thing that would probably cause a strike in any country is British food, particularly in most company canteens and restaurants, where everything is served with chips or ice-cream. Of course, British food isn’t always as bad as it’s painted by foreigners. (What can people who eat anything that crawls, jumps, swims or flies, possibly know about real food?). While it’s true that British food is often bland, may look terrible and can make you sick, for most people it’s just a matter of getting used to it. (What’s wrong with a diet of brown sauce, chips, biscuits and tea, anyway?). After all, it’s usually necessary to become acclimatised to the food in most foreign countries.

However, it’s difficult not to have some sympathy with foreigners who think that many British ‘restaurants’ should post health warnings and be equipped with an emergency medical centre. (There’s nothing wrong with British food that a good stomach pump cannot cure). It may come as a surprise to many foreigners to learn that British bookshops are bursting with cookery books and they aren’t all written by foreigners. The UK also has many popular television cookery programmes that usually feature eccentric (and excellent) chefs and scrumptious looking food. The British can console themselves with the knowledge that they (or some of them) at least know how to behave at the table, even if they don’t have much idea what to serve on it.

To compensate for their deficiencies in the kitchen, the British are famous for their love of wine (or anything alcoholic) and are among the world’s foremost (self-appointed) experts on the character and qualities of good wine, although they’re often better talkers than drinkers. In the UK, a wine may be described as having intense aromas and flavours of berries, bramble-jelly, morello cherries, peppery spices, mint, toffee and a hint of honey. The secret of dining in the UK is to drink a lot as, when you’re drunk, most food tastes okay. The British even make their own wine; not only home-brewed stuff made from elderberries and other strange fruit, but also real commercially-produced wine made from grapes! Although it isn’t exactly causing panic among continental wine producers, some of it’s quite palatable.

Drinking habbits

Contrary to popular belief, the British aren’t all drunks and are languishing in a fairly lowly 12th position in the alcohol consumption league among the world’s top 30 developed countries. The British do at least know how to make a good cuppa (tea) and don’t believe in polluting it with lemon or herbs (just milk and/or sugar). The British recipe for any national disaster, whether it’s a cricket thrashing at the hands of the Aussies or a power cut duringCoronation Street, is to make a ‘nice cup of tea’. Tea is drunk at almost any time (approaching 200 million cups a day), not just in the morning or ‘afternoon tea’. Many Britons drink tea in the same quantities as other Europeans drink mineral water or wine.

Unfortunately, coffee is a different matter altogether and although the British have been drinking it since the 16th century (long before tea), they have yet to master the art of brewing a half-decent pot, which just goes to show that practice doesn’t always make perfect. The British don’t do anything by halves and their coffee, almost always instant, is easily the worst in the world (it would help if they actually used real coffee beans).

Socializing

You may sometimes get the impression that the British are an unfriendly lot, as your neighbours won’t always say hello and probably won’t drop by or invite you to their home for a cup of tea. (If they offer coffee, invent an urgent appointment!). As an outsider, it may be left to you to make the first move, although if you drop by uninvited, your neighbours may think that you’re being pushy and just trying to sneak a look at their home. Northerners are generally friendly and warm-hearted, particularly when compared with the detached and aloof southerners who won’t usually give you the time of day. If your southern neighbour does condescend to speak to you, he’s likely to greet you with the ritual “How are you?” This doesn’t, of course, mean “How are you feeling mentally, physically or spiritually?”, but simply “Hello”. The questioner usually couldn’t care less whether you’re fighting fit or on your death bed. The ritual answer is (even if you’ve just had a heart and lung transplant) “Fine, thank you – how are you?”

If you wish to start a conversation with your neighbour (or anyone), a remark such as “nice weather” usually elicits a response (particularly if it’s raining cats and dogs). The weather is a hallowed topic and it’s the duty of every upstanding citizen to make daily weather predictions because of the awful hash made of it by the meteorologists. The UK has rather a lot of weather and there’s often rain, gales, fog, snow and a heat wave in the same day (although the weather is always described as ‘nice’ or ‘not very nice’). When it snows, everyone and everything is paralysed and people start predicting the end of civilisation as we know it.

The British stick steadfastly to their Fahrenheit temperature measures and many people haven’t a clue whether 20?C is boiling hot, lukewarm or freezing. The seasons are a mite erratic, but, as a rough guide, winter lasts for around 11 months, with a break of a couple of weeks for spring and autumn, and (in a good year) a couple of days for summer. There is, however, no truth in the rumour that all the world’s bad weather originates in the British Isles (some of it must come from somewhere else!). The British will do anything to escape for a few weeks to sunnier climes (whatever do they find to talk about on holiday when the sky is boringly blue each day?), even going so far as to spend days in an airport lounge for the dubious pleasure of a few weeks in a half-built hotel, bathing in polluted seas and getting sick on foreign food. The fact that no people anywhere have shown such a consistent desire to emigrate as the British may have more than a little to do with the climate.

Dialects

It’s a common misconception among many foreigners that the British all speak English. There are numerous accents and dialects, half of which are so thick that you could be forgiven for thinking that people are conversing in an ancient secret language. A Briton’s accent and choice of words is usually a dead giveaway as to his upbringing. For example, you can safely bet that someone who says, “One feels that one has a certain obligation to one’s social peers to attend Royal Ascot, even though one doesn’t really care for horse racing oneself”, isn’t from London’s East End. One-third of the British use such long words that most of us cannot even pronounce them (let alone understand them) and some 25 per cent are immigrants who speak only Hindi, Bengali, Chinese, French, Gujarati, Arabic, Xhosa, Russian, Punjabi, Swahili, Urdu, Italian, Turkish, Spanish, Esperanto, Yiddish or Polish.

The rest are tourists, who usually speak the best English of all, but unfortunately don’t remain in one place long enough to hold a conversation with anyone. Some foreigners actually pay real money to come to England to learn English, which is part of a grand plot to get them to teach us how to talk proper at their expense. If you’re a foreigner and speak good English, you can always practise with other foreigners who you will understand perfectly. If you have a few problems writing English and tend to get all the words mixed up (to say nothing of the damned spelling), fear not; you will be in excellent company as many British are barely literate (the average Briton’s vocabulary is around 1,000 words or 500 for tabloid newspaper readers). The best compliment a foreigner can receive from a native is that his English is rather unusual or unorthodox, as he will then blend in with the rest of us and won’t be taken for an alien. (If you speak perfect English you will be instantly exposed as a foreigner).

Many Britons are prejudiced against all foreigners and the English are also prejudiced against English from other regions, Irish, Scots, Welsh, Yanks, Europeans, most other foreigners and anyone who speaks with a different (i.e. lower class) accent. However, don’t be concerned, as British xenophobia always refers to ‘the others’ and present company is usually excepted. The British, in common with most other races, don’t have a lot of time for foreigners, particularly rich tourists and foreigners who buy up all the best property, and who should all stay at home. Most Britons’ image of foreigners is gleaned from the stereotypes portrayed on television. For example, every Briton knows that all Americans are millionaires with flash cars, murderers or policemen (or all three), drive like maniacs and make love with their clothes on in full make-up. However, it’s the Germans and Japanese who, despite providing us with reliable cars and other things that work, remain the baddest of baddies and are still portrayed as ‘the enemy’ in weekly television (TV) reruns of World War II.

Understatements

The British are masters of the understatement and rarely rave about anything. If they’re excited about something they sometimes enthuse “that’s nice” and, on the rare occasion when they’re deliriously happy, they’ve been known to exclaim “I say, that’s rather good”. On the other hand, if something disastrous happens (such as their house burns down) it might be termed “a spot of bother”. The end of the world will probably be pronounced “unfortunate” or, if there was something particularly good on TV that evening, it may even be greeted as “a jolly bad show” (the ultimate tragedy). The true character of the British is, however, revealed when they’re at play, particularly when they’re engaged in sport.

Sports

The British are sports mad, although most people confine their interest to watching or gambling rather than taking part. The British, or at least the English, are famous for their sense of fair play and playing by the rules – cheating is considered very bad form. Football (soccer) is the UK’s national sport and if we hadn’t taught all the other nations to play we might even be world champions. However, the real character and true sporting traditions of the English (other Brits have better things to do) are embodied in the game of cricket, a study of which provides a valuable insight into these strange islanders (and their attitude towards tea parties, religion, sex and foreigners). Foreigners may, at first, have a bit of difficulty understanding what cricket is all about (although it’s far easier to understand than British politics), but after a few decades, most get the hang of it (unlike British politics which remain a complete mystery). The first thing you must understand is that cricket is a game for gentlemen, embodying the great British traditions of fair play, honour and sportsmanship (except when played by Australians, who haven’t the remotest concept of these things).

It’s tempting (although fairly pointless) to make comparisons between cricket and a minority sport played in the US, called baseball. (The nearest equivalent in the UK is rounders, a sissy game played by girls). Imagine if you can, a baseball match that lasts five days with interminable breaks for breakfast, drinks, rain, streakers (naked runners), lunch, injuries, stray dogs, more rain, rest days, more drinks, tea, bad light, dinner, supper, and even more rain, and always ends in a draw (if not abandoned due to rain) – and you will have a rough idea what it’s all about. Despite the length of a cricket match, which varies from one to five days, it’s an enthralling and thrilling sport. On the rare occasions when things get just a teensy bit boring, there’s always something exciting to liven things up such as a newspaper blowing across the pitch, a stray dog or pigeon on the field or, on a good day, a streaker. The commentators do a sterling job and keep the audience spellbound with the most amazing and fascinating statistics and anecdotes about cricket’s legendary heroes.

The rules of cricket are a little complicated (Einstein’s theory of relativity is much easier to understand), so I won’t bore you by trying to explain them in detail (fascinating though they are). A cricket team consists of 11 players and a 12th man who has the most important job of all – carrying the drinks tray. He’s also sometimes called on to play when one of his team-mates collapses from frostbite or is overcome by excitement. Like baseball, one team bats and the other team attempts to get them out (or committed to hospital) by hurling a ball at the batsman’s head. The team in the field (not batting) stands around in set positions with peculiar names such as gulley, slips, short leg, square leg, long leg, peg leg, cover point, third man (they made a film about him), mid-off, mid-on and oddest of all – silly mid-off and silly mid-on. Only someone who’s a few pence short of a pound stands directly in front of a batsman as he’s about to hit a very hard ball in your direction at around 100mph (160kph).

When the bowler strikes the wicket or the batsman with the ball everyone shouts in unison “Howzat” (very loudly, on the assumption that the umpire is asleep, hard of hearing, short-sighted or all three). Cricketers play in a white uniform and the only colourful things about the game are the ball (red) and the language used by the batsman (blue) when he’s hit by the ball or when the umpire gives him out leg before wicket (lbw) to a ball that didn’t touch him, and in any case was a million miles away from the wicket. One of the unwritten rules of cricket is that the players (gentlemen) never argue with the umpire, no matter how shortsighted, biased and totally ignorant of the rules the idiot is.

The Aussies (Australians), whom everyone knows have no respect for tradition (and couldn’t give a XXXX for anything that doesn’t emanate from a tinny or a barrel), have attempted to brighten up the game’s image by dressing like clowns for one-day matches (yet another sacrilege to the old school). One of the worst mistakes the English ever made was to teach foreigners how to play cricket (or any other sport), as the ungrateful blighters get a sadistic delight from rubbing their mentors’ noses in the dirt. One of the problems with foreigners is that they have no concept of how gentlemen should behave and fail to realise that the real purpose of sport is taking part and nothing at all to do with winning. Gallant losers are feted as heroes in the UK and heroic defeats against overwhelming odds are infinitely preferable to easy (hollow) victories.